Whilst I was Googling for some potential Big Print Bank billboard images, I came across an article in the Sydney Morning Herald discussing two guys who had made this wearable television ad. Obviously, I think it’s a fucking terrible idea. As if we’re not bombarded by invasive marketing messages as it is?

Worst of all, the article was so obsequious. So I just couldn’t resist adding a few comments.

The human billboards

by Kate Cox, 23 November 2003

Dork 1 and Dork 2.

It takes selling your body to a whole new level.

Two young Sydney entrepreneurs and best mates have come up with an innovative marketing scheme: canvas vests with built-in mini televisions that show moving advertisements.

The world-first concept has already been sold to Telstra and was unveiled last night at the Rugby World Cup final – with “Telstra girls” turning heads in the T-shirts.

Veeran Naran, 28, began developing the idea – and a company, Channel Zero – while working as a graphic designer and editor for large sporting and entertainment clients.

“The 25- to 31-year-olds market, in Australia especially, are not at home watching television, they’re at pubs watching television and people,” he said. “So I decided to put televisions on people.”

Two years in the making, the “TelePAK” is powered by a lithium battery and run by DVD, meaning the screening time is unlimited and the interactive “program” can be changed by the model via remote control.

Mr Naran’s best mate, 29-year-old former geologist Ben Perry, looks after the business affairs.

The company’s “fusion between a bag and a T-shirt” (and rather large fashion statement) is the latest marketing ploy following the use of Vespas, cars, moving billboards and pavements as advertising mediums.

It is attractive to advertisers because there is no parking needed and it is moveable and immediate.

For consumers, it is interesting rather than evasive – and it is humorous. For the wearer, it is lightweight (about two kilograms) and generally fun – and they can finally co-ordinate their outfit with whatever’s on TV.

Plans are afoot for involvement with the Sydney Festival and the men are also in discussions with large corporations for campaigns during next year’s Athens Olympics.

The second prototype is expected to have more features. “It’s going to be out of this world,” Mr Naran said.

Channel Zero finds the people willing to advertise on their bodies and assists with the creative campaign.

“We believe we are revolutionising outdoor marketing. The advertising market is flooded with creative wallpaper so that people are blind to the message. With this, people will know it is there – not only is it completely different, but it has sound too. People love it – they want to take it home.”

That’s it — I’ve had it. I’ve seen my last ad for “free*” checking.

I’ve decided it’s time to start my own bank. I will call it “Big Print Bank” (yes, dumb, but certainly not the dumbest.) Why Big Print? Well, in part because it’s fun to say. But mostly because our mission will be to remind you what other banks may have forgotten to mention… and to do it in big print, naturally.

Here’s a few mock-ups for our first billboards:

(References Citi’s “live richly” campaign.)

(You know my feelings on MBNA.)

(More on payday loans.)

I think that’s a good start. (I also think I am shockingly out of practice. Time spent on concept: a few minutes. Time spent in Photoshop: way too damn long!)

* Except during regular business hours.

IMDb is looking to hire. Since they’re an Amazon subsidiary, clicking the jobs link will take you to the Amazon page. There you’ll find this:

2-Pizza Team Leader – Personalization and Site Automation, #04-011898
The data mining and personalization team at Amazon develops the algorithms and website features that help drive customers to the website, and helps them find highly relevant products[…] Join us and innovate in earth’s largest experimental laboratory.

Two observations. One, I like that they think of themselves as experimental. Amazon has been leading the charge in e-commerce, and I hope they do keep innovating. But the interesting thing is that job title: a “2-Pizza Team Leader”? What’s that? Well, as it happens, I read an interview with Jeff Bezos a few months ago and I recall his explanation: if you can’t feed a team with two pizzas, then it’s too large.

Nice to see he wasn’t kidding. Of course, if I were working there it would mean I’d have to be on a team with maybe 2 other people, provided at least one of them had a big lunch.

So, somebody/ies leaked the details of the Mac mini and the iPod shuffle to gossip sites. Apple sued. On Thursday, a California judge tentatively ruled that Apple can demand the names of the source(s).

Apple’s being pretty aggressive on this one. Maybe we should sic them on Novak and finally get some answers. (It’s now been 20 months since the Plame affair began.)

(Bonus weirdness, from the top link:

Judge James Kleinberg tentatively declined to extend to the Web sites the protections of the U.S. Constitution’s First Amendment and the California Shield Law, which is designed to protect journalists from having to divulge the names of sources or supply unpublished materials.

How do you “decline[] to extend” First Amendment protections? “Oh, thanks, fellas, but I’m just not into the whole Bill of Rights. Better luck next time”?)

This is the first in a new category, Ideas, to which I will sporadically add things that I wish service providers/manufacturers would create.

Have you ever stopped to consider what a pain-in-the-ass e-commerce is? Don’t get me wrong, I’m a proud member of Generation FedEx(?) and therefore a massive fan of sitting in my chair and having my clicks result in products on my doorstep.

But why must I fill out so many damn forms? And, further, why does every little random vendor I’ve never heard of need to know all this information?

“Why John,” you’re thinking, “how else do you expect them to deliver your purchases?”

No problem. Consider this: all the major carriers (UPS, FedEx, DHL, the Postal Service) assign tracking numbers for their systems. You may not be aware of this, but packages such as UPS WorldShip actually create “placeholder” tracking numbers before the package is even scanned.

So why not make a plug-in for my browser that lets me generate these? Here’s the scenario I envision:

1. Visit a site and add item(s) to the cart.
2. Click “checkout.”
3. Embedded code in checkout page causes browser helper (i.e., a local program) to ask “Generate Tracking Number for:” with a choice of carriers used by that vendor, service type(s), and the addresses I use.
4. With a maximum of 4 clicks (FedEx, Express, Home, Save), a “Destination ID:” box is then pre-filled on the order page.
5. Click “Complete order” and we’re done.

Now, you may have noticed I’ve called this “PrivaShip”, an admittedly horrible name meant to emphasize another part of this idea: in addition to saving data entry, there’s no reason the vendor need know my address at all. FedEx (or whomever) could sort it to the distribution center nearest the delivery point, then auto-print an actual address label right on top.

Similarly, there’s really no reason why any vendor need have my credit card number. Before I gave MBNA the boot, I was a big fan of their “disposable credit card numbers” service (Citibank and AmEx also have it.) When I wanted to make a purchase with an online store I didn’t expect to use again, I would load up the small Flash app, sign in, and enter the amount. The app would create a custom number/expiration and CVC2, which would only be honored once for my pre-set limit (or just above to allow for shipping.)

I don’t see any reason why you couldn’t integrate a similar browser plug-in to generate credit card numbers on the spot. And if I enter a password and thus verify my identity, why should it even display my (real) name?

In short, I want online purchases to be as quick and quasi-anonymous as cash. Because how cool would it be to have my packages delivered to:
JSP
1Z 932 332 39 9983 182 4

* A little something I coined awhile ago to refer to those who came after GenX, and who demand instant gratification. – Return

The Register has reported that “actress”/”singer” Jennifer Love Hewitt is now ready to begin a crucial part of adult life:

Actress Jennifer Love Hewitt has decided to behave like a grown adult now that she’s turned 26 — she finally plans to do her own laundry.
[…]
“It’s time that I learned to do my own laundry, I think. Twenty-six just feels very grown up.”

The following is a public service announcement.

If you see Ms. Hewitt, approach carefully so as not to startle her. Then do your part for humanity. Speaking slowly and clearly, let her know that most operating manuals for washing machines fail to mention a crucial step in getting clean clothes: visual verification of detergent adhesion.

Advise Ms. Hewitt that once the tub fills, she should dunk her head in the water and look to be sure each item of clothing is getting cleaned. An uninterrupted stretch of 3-5 minutes should do the job.

Then go find Paris Hilton.

I was tempted to title this post “Bring It On”, but Arbusto has forever ruined the phrase, no? Anyway, due to a very special request, I have now enabled comments for all of the ’05 posts on jsp.org.

We’re having a little experiment here. By all means, feel free to make use of the facility to call me out or to show me that sweet, sweet e-love.

Or both, as the mood strikes you.

Wow, I had so much to say about Senator Ted Stevens’s (R-AK) vow to place satellite and cable under the same indecency restrictions as broadcast TV that I was going to split it up into three posts. But your time is valuable, so I’ll keep it short(er).

First, let’s consider the audience. Telling the National Association of Broadcasters you’re going to regulate cable is a lot like telling the National Organization of Women you’re going to tax penises: wildly impractical, but a real crowd-pleaser. Maybe he was just pandering; we’ll know soon enough. Perhaps he’ll wise up and find his ticket for the cluetrain.

Still, my pick for biggest bonehead in this whole sordid affair is Mr. Edward Fritts, president of NAB. Sayeth Ed: “A 5-year-old doesn’t know if they’re watching cable or over-the-air.”

True enough, Ed. Of course, a 5-year-old also can’t tell the difference between sour grape juice and a nice Riesling, but I don’t hear anyone clamoring to ban alcohol.

I kid. Yes, youngsters may not be able to appreciate the minutiae of spectrum policy, but that’s why they have, um, parents. And parents have options:

• Use the book, the Internet, or the paper to determine suitable programs in advance.
• Use on-screen ratings to determine suitable programs on the spot.
• Use the TV’s “delete” feature to hide channels from young’uns. (Adults can still key in the channel.)
• Use the “V-Chip” functionality Congress mandated into TVs in 2000.
• Ask the cable company to block channels, which is possible on a per-house basis.
• Don’t get cable in the first place.
• Don’t get a TV in the first place. (We didn’t have one in the home for my 2d – 14th years, and I’m not too fucked up.)

I’ve left out the most obvious one: be a parent! When your kid wants to watch TV, watch along. Yes, there might be risky stuff out there — when it comes to cable, questions of “indecency” should be matters of taste, not law. It might take a village to raise a child, but we don’t have to reduce every channel to the level of “Blues Clues” to do it.

Now back to my reading.

I spend most of my time in two rooms. One is my bedroom, which is dominated by, aptly enough, a bed, with books on every available flat surface. The other is “the Lab,” which is dominated by computers (presently 5 towers and 2 laptops) and has paper on nearly every surface.

I decided a few days ago that at least one of these rooms should be in some semblance of order. So, slowly, I’ve been sorting through the files in the Lab.

Now, I don’t want to give the impression I’m a packrat. I’m not, but I do have a few bins of the “I’ll deal with that later” sort. Sometimes much later. Thus far, I’ve found:

• A notice from the District Court of Iowa that I hadn’t cashed a check sent in 2001, and I could get a new one if I executed an indemnity agreement by 15 Oct 04. (Indemnity agreement still attached.)
• Nearly a year’s worth of unread National Geographic: Adventure magazines. (Thank you, Salon subscription!)
• A map of Athens, with various things checked off. On the back: a ton of notes, and the formal and informal spellings of my name in Greek.
• Random ticket stubs, including from an Ani DiFranco concert (Sept 04, MSP) and “The Producers” (May 04, Melbourne)
• Postcards from the L(afayette) Ron Hubbard birthday celebration in Sydney. (A riot, let me tell you.)
• A “free month of DVDs” discount card, valid only in the UK.

And that’s in the newer bin! Maybe after I get some of this stuff cleaned up and recycled, I’ll take a picture of my newly de-cluttered workspace. Hmm. Might not want to look for that one for a few months…

Had to laugh when I got this e-mail. My friend makes the same points I would about the ten, but with much more of a bang:

So what the fuck is the deal with ten commandment displays at court
houses? I always hear people claiming that the ten commandments are
the basis of our legal system (or at least had a significant influence
on it) and the displays just commemorate this. But that's just fucking
ridiculous. Out of the ten commandments, only 2 mention things that
are even regulated by law: killing and stealing. What kind of dumbfuck
would try to claim that stealing someone's property or killing them
would be legal if not forbidden by the ten commandments?

Happy 25, B-don.

Hope you get like a nice bike or something.

Say what you will about Halle Berry, you have to respect her for this:

Berry, one of several Oscar-winning actors to be dishonored by the Golden Raspberry Award Foundation, was the first actor to accept a Razzie in person since Tom Green did so for his part in 2001’s Freddy Got Fingered.

Berry, who wore a simple black dress, explained why she showed up at the ceremony.

“When I was a kid, my mother told me that if you could not be a good loser, then there’s no way you could be a good winner,” she said.

However, she added, “I hope to God I never see these people again!” — Berry Shows Up to Claim Her Razzie

Classy way to show you have a sense of humor.

I’d like now to take a moment to speak to my evangelical Christian visitors (who are legion, of course.) By now you’ve no doubt heard that The Passion of the Christ was shut out at the Oscars. As they did at the nominations, the “news” sources y’all tend to favor will likely lay the blame for this on those godless/Jewish/commie/pinko/hedonist/elitist Hollywood types. Resist this easy explanation.

Friends, let me propose a much more logical cause: the movie just sucked. I know that’s not going to go over well, but wait and hear me out. Imagine for a moment that this film had no religious theme, and was instead a secular film set 2,000 years ago, shot in a dead language nobody’s sure how to pronounce, shown with subtitles and featuring a breathtaking, almost pornographic obsession with violence. Were that the case, you’d not only skip it, you’d probably write your Congressperson.

I know, you think the message overcomes all this, that it’s moving and inspiring and all of that. Sorry, no. This is a poorly executed, plodding concoction from the guy who directed The Man Without a Face. You’re probably excited about it because you know the story so well, because you have a bona fide star in your corner (and not this guy), or because at last you have a Christian film with better production values than that Fred Durst porno.

But here’s what you have to remember about Academy voters: these are movie people. This is what they do. To win votes, you have to succeed not just on story, but on acting, directing, production… all the things that make the movies one of the most collaborative art forms out there.

Believe me, I know what it’s like to want to have your niche film break out; I’ve watched more gay-themed schlock than I could possibly care to remember. The key difference, though, is that even when I feel validated by a movie that finally pays attention to me, I don’t assume that automatically makes it Oscar-worthy. You’d be wise to do the same.

Ever find yourself watching a movie and your eyes keep going to the “time elapsed” display, and your brain is doing the math and all you can think is “boy, I hope there are 20 minutes of credits.”

Too many of the movies I’ve seen lately are like that.

Quick, guess what’s taking place when this picture was taken:

Give up? It’s Jeff, a contestant on Survivor 10. He’s making a point to another player about which girl he thinks should be voted out. Fair enough, but the weird part is that right in the middle of this (boring) speech, rather then getting a reaction shot from the other guy, the camera operator just decides to slowly pan down Jeff’s body.

The best way I can describe it is the camera is checking him out. (It’s almost the visual equivalent of the “uh-huh” nod as your mind — or eye — wanders.) You have to wonder what was going through the cameraperson’s mind. Sure, Jeff was moving his hands a little bit, but he was hardly making a point. Also, if you watch the cutting of the scene, there appear to be at least two cameras in use (I wonder how many they have on those islands?) so even if the photographer was just thinking “I wonder if he’s going to do anything with his hands”, they could have cut to the other camera for the shot when it didn’t pan out.

That assumes, of course, that they were not looking for pure beefcake shots, which they totally are. In fact, the CBS lineup last Thursday deserves a special mention for being a big tease. First there was this “Survivor” episode, then somebody called a “CSI” character gay. (Gil? Could it be?)

Incidentally, gratuituous skin shots aside, there seems to be a growing number of examples lately where the procedurals (“Law & Order”, “CSI”, etc.) are adding a touch of humanization to their storylines. Where before it was all case all the time, now we’re seeing some “my father was violent”, “have I been fired because I’m a lesbian” and other personal revelations from the characters.

Or maybe I’m just reading way too much into things, as usual.