I’ll just take their word for it. (And yes, it does say better then everyone else.)

In other shocking news, he‘s totally plastic, his suit is nonremovable, and he’s bought and sold.

Update [16:06]: NPR gives us a taste of Strom [0:26 RealAudio stream] from the year Lott boasted his state was one of four to vote Thurmond. Ahh, Republicans…

Meet, on your left, Mr. Brian Buck. Mr. Buck is a student at Arizona State University, and that videotape he holds is labeled “Frat Row Scavenger Hunt #3.” What type of scavenger hunt, you might ask? Why, a porn scavenger hunt, of course! What does one scavenge for in this sort of video? About what you’d expect, apparently — though no intercourse takes place. (Brian reportedly gets things started with a shower scene.)

Now, why is this worthy of my notice, or your precious time? Well, of course it isn’t. But did I mention this particular title was shot on the ASU campus? And — oh yes — Mr. Buck is the student government vice-president? Suddenly it’s newsworthy. And ASU’s attempts to lower the school’s party profile are set back a few years.

By the way, the other two guys up there are the current ISU student government execs. I’m sure they’ve been good.

For some time now, I’ve ignored the SF Gate “Morning Fix” newsletter I receive; it’s just too long. (The writer is occasionally talented, so I feel guilty about unsubscribing.)

Anyway, the Morning Fix for Monday arrived a few minutes ago. Seems their servers delayed it for a whopping 16 hours. It’s often late, but this delay was so eye catching I decided to scan through.

Under the “Oh My God Oh My God Oh My God” section (right under “And Now, Mullet Haiku”) there was a link to this product. One wonders what sort of campaign PeTA would mount. Actually, one wonders nothing of the sort, as one is too busy being amused that the very next product is a “bush cap.”

That’s the title of this New York Times Magazine piece, but I would have used it anyway.

Though the article is about the confusing iDrive system in the new BMW 745i, I was completely distracted by the accompanying photo: a long, skinny leg in fishnets with no skirt in sight. Not to make any sort of generalizations, but the first thing I thought was: “Whoa! Slut!”

Update [17:48]: Turns out the article’s good, though it has one or two editing errors.

UK-based BlackStar DVD e-mailed me a holiday spam message a few moments ago. The contents differ strikingly from what I would expect a large company to send.

They used the phrase “Merry Christmas,” which most corporations eschew in favor of some sort of neutral “holiday” reference, and they urged me to play BlackStar Sober Santa Game. (Flash required.)

I came away with 1,166 points and a bit of a shock.

Weird stuff seen here as well. To wit –

• On Brandon‘s feet: little tartan booties.
• On a billboard: GIVE GASOLINE THIS CHRISTMAS
• On a church slidey-letter sign: FOR A GOOD TIME CALL JOHN 3:16

These Rochesterians, I tell ya…

Wow, I’m just posting all sorts of random stuff today when I should be getting ready to drive to the Land of B-don.

I’ll do that in a moment, but first I recommend you take a look at this video, for which I have NO explanation, and then read the reviews for this CD, about which I am equally perplexed.

On the plus side, both are hilarious. (Both links shamelessly lifted from MetaFilter.)

Seen on the slidey-letter sign for Zylstra Cycles (a Harley dealership): VISIT SANTA ON DEC 7. No word as to whether that’s targeted toward adults or kids.

Heard on the radio, minutes later: “‘Drink‘ is the Hamptons of the Midwest! You never know what celebrity you’re going to see next!” (No, I think you do.)

So I can’t tell which one frightens me more: seeing Santa at the Harley shop or a bar in Clive calling itself the Hamptons.

Today was the presentation of that paper I wrote a few weeks ago. (You remember.)

Everyone presented, so I learned about the other topics. The woman who went first said she was inspired in part by something I said in class (woohoo!) Her topic was how language may be affected by the prevelance of IM and its associated abbreviations, acronyms, and “emoticons.”

The prof: “Do any of you use instant messenging regularly?”

I: “Yeah, I do.”

He: “Do you use this type of writing? And ‘smileys’?”

I: “Well, I’m a purist. I feel the same toward ‘smileys’ as I do toward exclamation points: if you have to use them, your sentence isn’t well written. Of course, not all my chatting partners feel that way. I’m often sent a bunch of smiley faces… and hearts… and, well, basically I’m chatting with 11-year-old girls.”

Collective intake of breath followed by dead fucking silence.

(Yeah, you could say that joke bombed hard. Everyone got a huge laugh out of it later, but wow, I was looking like a real jackass at that moment.)

Two more class presentations this week, both on Thursday. Tomorrow is prep for the more important one, so I wanted to review a related videotape in advance.

I turned on the TV and was ready to insert the cassette when I heard a woman: “I work when I choose to, and for just a few hours a day I can make $10,000 a week. That’s good money.” Sure it is, the host agreed.

The channel was very fuzzy (the antenna amplifier was off) but I knew an infomercial when I heard it. The outlandish claim of $10k/wk inspired me to turn on the amp to see the magic product. (I could just barely discern a logo’s outline in the lower left. Was it Carleton Sheets? Don Lapre?)

Nope. It was some weird-ass talk show called The Rob Nelson Show. Her “work”? Legalized prostitution.

Promos for the following segments included a woman who would run over her mother for $1m (surprise guest: her mother), and a man raising money on his website to chop off his own foot. With a guillotine, natch.

I gotta start going to bed earlier.

OK. I have to do some disclaiming up front, so bear with me.

For no reason, I was thinking about B-don‘s wish (expressed some time ago) to open two images in a viewer at the same time to “compare.” I found a good possibility through a search that included the phrase “side-by-side.” But that cost money, and we had actually discussed using the Windows Picture and Fax Viewer to do the same thing.

1. I searched again and came upon a Hacking Windows XP page. There I learned the default disk defragmenter in Win2K (and XP) was created by a company “controlled” by Scientology. (This caused huge controversy in Germany in 2000.)
2. From there, I clicked through to Operation Clambake, the fight against Scientology on the Net. (Aside: What is Tom Cruise thinking?)
3. The “Blocked by Wayback Machine” image caught my eye and a click took me to Yale Law‘s LawMeme.
4. From LawMeme, I was reminded of ChillingEffects.org, a site that posts cease & desist orders relating to the DMCA. I read the specific Xenu letter.
5. Then I started clicking around and I found this one.
6. And, well, the infringing site now redirects to another site that has a scary, scary option on its navigation: Before and After photos.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Update: Less than 15 minutes after I wrote this, I got a spam (allegedly) from <penispills@penisgrowth.com>. Too funny.

I never took the Armed Services Vocational Aptitude Battery in high school. If I remember correctly, the lower half of the senior class took it, while the upper half took the PSAT/NMSQT. Or maybe I just skipped that day.

I remember hearing stories of people being diagnosed as a mechanic or hairdresser (hmm, maybe not hairdresser) after taking the test. Of course, I wondered what the test would reveal for me.

So I searched Google and clicked through to the first sample test I found. It’s certainly not the hardest test I’ve taken (even allowing for its intended 17yo audience) but the more disturbing part is all the positive reinforcement you get: click a few answers and watch the JavaScript pop-ups fly. (Especially amusing in the “coding speed” section on page 2.)

Somehow I think the “you can do it!” stuff doesn’t carry over into basic training.

I went to Target for headache supplies. I wasn’t sure what to get, as ibuprofren is hard on your liver (or is it acetaminophen? but that’s easy on your stomach?) or whatever.

I decided simple aspirin was the ticket, because you’re supposed to take that to prevent heart attacks or something anyway. (Plus it fits with my theory on butter: yeah, maybe it’s all fat, but it’s been around forever. The body’s gotta be used to it. Forget that newfangled margarine.)

So I stood at the shelf, agog:
Three hundred coated 325 mg. tablets of Bayer aspirin: $ 9.49
Three hundred coated 325 mg. tablets of Target aspirin: $ 2.39

Who the hell is buying that Bayer? was all I could think. The active ingredients [on that page it’s $11.99!] are identical, save for triacetin, but that’s just a “plasticizer.”

I know it’s just aspirin, but I think the question goes to the heart of the American shopping experience. Why hasn’t Bayer been laughed out of the store? Do product attributes even matter anymore?

First, it must be said: eBay is one of the ugliest sites out there. It’s definitely the worst-looking in the top 25 most popular sites.

I can only speculate that eBay is deliberately cultivating this thrown-together feel. It’s been over a year since I saw Meg Whitman on a BusinessWeek/CSPAN special complimenting Amazon by saying “They have a wonderful user interface.” Whitman is one sharp operator, so if they haven’t overhauled the look, it must be working.

Perhaps they think it would be a fruitless exercise when the sellers create 90% of the product page content. Not everyone is an artist, and sometimes the products themselves are weirdly ugly.

Other times you just have to wonder about the sellers. I was doing a search for “Linksys wireless” on a whim, and I came upon a USB adapter. The seller noted:

My son went off to college, taking his computer with him. I am hoping he stays in school, so I am selling the adapter.

I was amused, so I clicked to see what else the man was selling. The fun items include a Browning pistol barrel, an inside-the-waistband holster, and a bullet velocity measurer.

If I were the son, I’d be looking to stay in college, too. Far, far away.