So nothing tonight.

Best we can hope for now is a swift resolution, with a minimal loss of life. And for the sake of fuck, a follow-through.

“Just so you know, we’re ashamed the president of the United States is from Texas.”
–Natalie Maines, lead singer of the Dixie Chicks, to a London concert audience.

“The emotion of the callers telling us about their fathers and sons and brothers who are overseas now and who fought in previous wars was very specific.”
–Jim Jacobs, president of Jacobs Broadcast Group, which includes a station boycotting the Chicks.

Simple concept, but apparently it bears repeating: saying you don’t like the president isn’t saying anything about the military.

Back in the days when a floppy disk was considered plenty of storage space, I remember calling the WordPerfect Corporation for technical support. This was at a time when the state-of-the-art entailed a blue 80×25 character screen and “multi-tasking” was pressing Shift-F3 to switch to a second document.

As antiquated as the software sounds, WordPerfect had the most impressive technical support operation I’ve ever had the great pleasure to reach. There was a raft of toll-free numbers to call for any conceivable problem. Once connected, there was never any question of serial numbers or other proofs of purchase.

It was a customer-friendly operation, and nowhere was that more evident than when you were placed on hold. You see, WordPerfect had a live DJ for their queued callers. I remember hearing “and now it’s time for the traffic report: we’ve got 9 callers waiting for printer help, 3 callers…”

Sure, touches like that are expensive. But on the other hand, I’ve been put on hold hundreds of times since, and I can’t recall another time that the company actually improved in my estimation as a result.

The West Wing has spoiled us. Politicians who actually say what they mean? A press secretary who is funny and candid? Yep, this must be television.

Here’s how it works in the real world:

Q. Ari, the President was very clear last week, he wanted a vote in the Security Council: “it’s time for countries to show their cards.” And now today, Secretary Powell says, among the options is to go for a vote, or not to go for a vote. What’s going on here?

Mr. FLEISCHER: Okay, let me try to share or inform you about where things stand in the fluid situation with the diplomacy.

The end is coming into sight, and there are numerous routes to reach that end through the diplomacy the President is pursuing. And the President has said that he seeks a vote, and we seek a vote. There are options, as the Secretary has said. I discussed with you this morning the possibility of the vote coming to a conclusion tomorrow, or it could continue into next week. There are numerous options to achieve in the end the President seeks, which is a diplomatic solution. I cannot predict for you every shape and turn of the road on the way to that end, but this end is coming into sight, and that’s why you’re seeing some levels of flexibility and discussion of options as it comes into sight.

That’s from Thursday’s White House press briefing. Now, allow me to translate.

Q. Ari, the President was very clear last week, he wanted a vote in the Security Council: “it’s time for countries to show their cards.” And now today, Secretary Powell says, among the options is to go for a vote, or not to go for a vote. What’s going on here?

Mr. FLEISCHER: blather blather blather Well, we’re afraid we’ll lose. blather blather blather

Well, there’s that mystery solved. If you’re wondering who allowed the folks at OhGhurl.com to use such a horrendous domain name, the answer is: WebGuyForHire.com.

Yeah, okay, I know you weren’t really wondering. But this site is just too precious not to mention. The broken image on the home page is merely a taste of the delights that await on the Portfolio page (slogan: “pride breeds excellance.” Bwahahaha.)

Under the heading “Our Esteemed Work,” there’s this little gem:

Where’s the work?
Admittedly, there is not a lot of work in our portfolio right now. The problem being is most of us are fresh out of working full time for employers. We felt that since they paid us full time salaries to work there, it would not be fair to showcase those efforts here in our portfolio.

We can, however once we talk to you show you some of the things we have done in the past. Also, we feel pretty sure that once you talk to us, you will understand the degree of knoweledge we posess.

Not to be snarky, but I think I have a pretty good idea just what degree of knowledge they possess.

Well, it had to happen: there’s now a Netflix for (gay) porn. It’s called OhGhurl.com, and it’s hilariously bad.

First there’s that name, which is perhaps the worst domain name ever. Then there’s the fact that there’s no easy way to tell what it costs*. (How can you budget for your monthly porn bill if you have to provide your e-mail address just to get an estimate?) In the interest of journalism, I even tried clicking the “Live Support” link… to be greeted with a pop-up telling me it wasn’t available.

All of that means this is definitely amateur hour, but that’s nothing compared to the great testimonials in the right-hand column. I found myself re-loading the same page just to get a look at more. Two of the best:

Kudos to your staff. Not a single complaint yet, and I usually am pretty good at finding things to complain about.
-o.h

To the old lady who always sneered at me at Maxon Video when me and John went in to grab a flick or two… go to hell! I’ll never be back again cause I got ohghurl!
-MLT

Just makes you want to subscribe, doesn’t it?

* Found it in the small Terms of Service link. It’s $28.69/mo for 3 DVDs out. Not available for shipping to address in the Armed Forces, Mississippi, Utah, Puerto Rico, U.S. Virgin Islands, and parts of: Alabama, Kentucky, Mississippi, Nebraska, North Carolina, and Tennessee.

Things are different this semester, so I haven’t been using the computers in College of Design as much as I once did. Now that I’ve finally made my return, I can see that absence was a big error. Going from my home computer, where the network performance is erratic at best (it was down when I left), to a computer/connection that allows me to download a file that’s 110,043,136 bytes in 93 seconds (9.5 mbit/sec!) is enough to shock the system.

And yes, it is very geeky for me to write about it. But: wow. Why can’t all Internet be like this?

For those who wonder: it was one of the new BMW films, and they use Akamai for high performance downloads.

More than 100 Nashvillians turned out this afternoon to hit a French car with a sledgehammer in support of America’s troops and to protest French anti-American sentiments.

The “Bash A Peugeot For Peace” event at the Beaman Automotive Group on Broadway was sponsored by WWTN radio talk-show host Steve Gill. All proceeds are going to charities that send supplies to troops overseas and their families, who have remained at home.

The first swing of the hammer was taken by World War II veteran Don McGehee, 79, who “did everything [he] was told to do” in the South Pacific during the war. — “Demonstrators smash Peugeot to show support for U.S. troops,” The Tennessean 28 Feb 03

Couple of points here:

• Disagreement does not consitute “anti-American sentiments.”
• Doesn’t “support of America’s troops” include questioning whether they need to die? And asking our civilian leaders if we need to send troops to war in no way diminishes the honor, skill, and integrity of people in uniform. So what are they supporting?
• This was held at a car dealership? Is this the most depraved promotional stunt ever?

A few years ago I was in Amsterdam, and a panhandler tried to wheedle some money out of me. When I refused, he cursed me in a memorable fashion: “What did you have for breakfast this morning?” he bellowed. “Shit! Americans eat shit!”

I don’t eat breakfast, but the point was well taken.

A recent Fortune article tells the story of how one Manhattan school made an effort to “reverse the metabolic disaster of the modern American diet” by firing its catering company and installing a chef who converted the cafeteria to fresh foods, organic wherever possible.

It’s the first battle in what will be a long war to change the typical American’s diet. There are also major distribution hurdles, as melodramatically illustrated by the author:

Healthy food is not just more expensive than unhealthy food but less convenient. Imagine, for instance, that a crazed vegan were to burst into your office with a gun and demand that you produce, within four minutes, some fresh fruit. Could you do it? How about a soft drink?

(Sometimes usability guru Brenda Laurel made a similar point about movie theater food.)

But all is not lost. As I learned during my month of organic-only food, even smaller towns can have a respectable organic selection. And now that the very cool Pret-A-Manger has come to our shores (I enjoyed the food from one of their many London stores), the future looks even brighter.

Maybe now I can shut the Dutch up.

A few hours ago I found an old printout of the “Things You Would Never Know Without the Movies” forward and it’s a true as it ever was, especially when it notes that in the movies, “All telephone numbers in America begin with the digits 555.”

That little barrier to the suspension of disbelief used to bother me, but I changed my view after seeing the film Unbreakable. In one scene, a scrolling toll-free number that’s purportedly an Amtrak emergency line scrolls on a TV. I was so surprised it was an actual number that the moment I stepped out of the theater I dialed it… and was treated to a recording from the movie studio telling me it was a non-working number used for creative purposes. I felt rewarded, but also annoyed that the number lurked in my head for the remainder of the flick.

The same thing happened minutes ago with a Six Feet Under DVD. When a character calls for an escort, it’s a valid toll-free number. I was distracted for the final 20 minutes, wanting to run off and dial.

So perhaps it’s for the best that movie phone numbers are unbelievable. The momentary twinge I get from a fake number is probably better than the lingering curiousity from a real one.

(And then there’s the fact that both the aforementioned numbers are now phone sex lines.)

I’ve always enjoyed behind-the-scenes stories, and that’s one reason why I love Salon’s Ask the Pilot series (and the fact that pilot “Patrick Smith” is a talented and irreverent writer helps mightily.)

The most recent article added to my knowledge on flight paths. I knew there were established “lanes” that airlines tended to follow, and I also knew that illustrating them with the Mercator (and the Peters) projections was a fool’s errand. What I didn’t know was that the reason a flight from Tahiti to Paris might refuel in Anchorage is known as the “Great Circle.”

Smith does a good job of explaining the concept, and I found a site tool called, aptly, The Great Circle Mapper that illustrates it. The example on that site shows a route from O’Hare to Hong Kong.

It’s not intended to be used for navigation, but it’s a fascinating resource.

To the BELOVED REPUBLIC under whose equal laws I am made the peer of any man, although denied political equality by my native land, I dedicate this book with an intensity of gratitude and admiration which the native-born citizen can neither feel nor understand.

— Dedication to Andrew Carnegie’s Triumphant Democracy (Scribner’s, 1886)

….try JetAudio. It plays RealAudio and RealVideo streams (I wonder if they used Helix code?) as well as Windows Media and even QuickTime files, without any annoying hidden auto-start programs.

I’ve only had it installed for a day or so but so far I’m pleased. (Though I will say I do think the RealOne Player is a nice-looking piece of software.)

Credit for discovering the program goes to my cousin Josh, who’s a good guy.

The “you [may have already] won” tactic is certainly tried and true, but this pop-up gives it a new — and ridiculous — twist: the addition of a bar code in a bid to add a sheen of “official” importance to the advertiser’s campaign.

Does anyone believe for one second that the code will ever be scanned? (Do you bring your laptop in to the grocery store for redemption?) And if no-one believes it’s real, why even bother?

Easily the dumbest attempt at legitimizing a campaign I’ve seen in recent months. (And I won’t even say anything about the missing apostrophe.)