Anyone who’s ever been to an American movie theater knows the green screen that precedes each preview, famously proclaiming the ad’s suitability for “ALL AUDIENCES” as judged by the motion picture industry’s rating board.

I wonder, though, how many people have seen the much-less-common “restricted” variant, with its arresting background:

I see plenty of movies, but I only remember a few times, mostly in art houses or independent theaters, where I’ve seen restricted trailers (and of course, only before R-rated pictures.) And then, what did that distinctive red* glow signal? In my experience, it basically meant “standby for breasts.” Sure, sometimes a little violence, perhaps some profanity, but mostly you could count on some nakedness.

Or so I thought until I saw the trailer for Temporada de patos (“Duck Season“), soon to be released by Warner Independent in this country. In that case, the trailer was restricted because it showed… um, a quarter-second of a guy (sunk low, showing nothing) in a bathtub? A pellet gun? A flash of a violent video game?

No, I have no idea why this trailer is restricted. I’ve watched it three times, and I’m still at a loss. The film’s in black and white, and the trailer has no spoken dialogue (probably because Warner would just as soon you forget it’s actually in Spanish.) The boys shoot a vase with a pellet gun, but it’s pretty clear it’s not a real gun. There’s a somewhat weird-looking (I had flashes of Austin Powers) pizza delivery guy who has the aforementioned bathtub moment plus another when we see his bare back, so maybe we’re supposed to be worried he’s around these kids, but it doesn’t seem the least bit sexual.

Seriously: what the hell? I don’t know what these people are worried about. But maybe y’all are bigger prudes than I am and you can tell me. Watch the trailer and let me know what you think. (And yes, as far as I’m concerned, it’s totally safe for work. Hell, call your boss over and have him/her join the hunt.)

* “The color is to alert the projectionist against mismatching trailers with the film being shown on the theater screen,” sayeth the MPA. You know, back when they had a projectionist stay in the booth…

I just got home, dumped my bags, then opened iTunes to play a few tracks while I sorted through some stuff on the computer. There, I saw this:

Excuse me, but what the hell is a “vingle”? Has this word been around and I just haven’t noticed? If so, I want to return to my blissful state of ignorance… because, frankly, like this dude’s overly-Photoshopped upper face, or the “word” Vlogging, something just seems off.

This is what I get for using the downstairs (Windows) computer:

…note they chose to use the demur “this update required an automatic restart” rather than the more accurate “we didn’t like that, though you chose to manually run an update, you didn’t click the ‘Restart Now’ button fast enough, so — despite the fact you had your customary 46 browser tabs open — when you left to watch The Big Lebowski we took the opportunity to just reboot the computer without your approval. So fuck you, fuck your open documents, fuck your browser windows. We’ve got holes to plug!”

Maybe I’m just an insufferable pedant, but I found this very odd:

Why on earth is “pop” capitalized in this Weather.com graphic? That seems like entirely misplaced emphasis, especially as opposed to, say:

• Did He Pop The Question?
• Did he pop The Question?
• DID HE POP THE QUESTION?!?1!@! (omigod!)

Of course, all of these pale to the more honest approach, which of course would be the headline: “Yet One MORE Thing to Obsess About Before the Big Day”…

When did truck commercials become spam?

Maybe it’s just because I don’t watch much TV, but I was really struck by how stupid some of the claims are getting. There’s the Jeep spot where a family drives underwater, the “peeing” — what is it, Mazda?, as well as the Ford commercial that implies you will become impervious to rattlesnakes if you drive a “Ford tough” truck. (Though I must say I would rather watch animatronic snakes die than hear that quasi-country guy who sings “I’m a Ford truck man.”)

These are just the latest exaggeration of an old trend. In the past, pickups have been shown towing icebreakers and fully-loaded tractor-trailers, all of course with the disclaimer that the activity shown was completely fabricated. I know commercials lie, that’s no big surprise, but usually it’s a more subtle, implied lie: drink this beer and chicks will love you. Microwaved cake is tasty. Cartoon bears use toiler paper. And so on.

But, seriously, where will it end? Now that cartoonish truck commercials are the norm, I look foward to the commercials that bend space and time, perhaps showing how the S-10 played an important part in splitting Pangaea, and each F-150 will be able to tow asteroids (chains not included.)

Fucking hilarious video [:07 MPG, 363k] from an informercial’s site. Quite possibly the best product demonstration ever, and all the better if your player defaults to automatic rewind and replay. (The site also boasts the best-ever before & after photo.)

But please, ladies, if you’re thinking about buying the product (and why would you? you look great!) may I suggest a more lasting solution? Or at the very least a cheaper one?

This post was supposed to be about the Creative Commons, a new organization dedicated to finding innovative ways to allow others to use your creations without committing to the full restrictions of copyright or to the wild frontier of public domain. See the explanation animation (in Flash) for more about the CC concept.

I say “supposed to” because as I was about to begin typing, my eye glanced across a bill from my telephone company, Qwest. On that document — just a phone bill — the footer reads “This bill is protected by one or more of the following U.S. Patents: Des. 385,298; 390,599; 5,845,942; and 5,951,052.”

There was nothing remarkable about the bill, so I looked up the ‘052 patent to see what was invented. The innovation is apparently perpendicular text. Yes, you read right. “Information (e.g., text) in the information panels is oriented in a first direction, and information in the remittance panel (e.g., text) is oriented in a second direction, perpendicular to the first direction.”

I’m impressed with what the Creative Commons is doing, and I wish them luck. But if this Qwest junk is an example of what’s getting intellectual property protection these days, we’re going to need far-reaching, legislative changes. Starting with the patent office.

That thing on the left there? That’s a G-Spotter from Vibratex. It’s an attachment for the Hitachi Magic Wand Vibrator (or similar.) “A customer” from USA notes it really “inhances” her sex with her husband, while Michigan resident Amanda Downer lives up to her name by commenting that the “Magic Wand Vibrator was so bulky that my coworkers could see the shaft’s buldge in by pants. I would not recomend sporting this device at work.”

Just goes to show that Amazon and its drugstore.com affiliate are really hard at work — at their goal of providing everything you can imagine at their store, that is. (Now if they could just get someone to proofread that graphic.)

Gentle reader, allow me to introduce you to the Buy.com model girls. (Should you wish to see these ladies in, ahh, context, you may click for a larger image.)

They come from “buy magazine,” the “magalogue” from buy.com. This approach to drive traffic to an e-comerce site has been done before and is worthy of discussion. So is the use of quasi-editorial à la A&F Quarterly.

Of course, at the moment I have no interest in those discussions. I’m just fascinated by how gratuitous these girls are. A few other girls in the catalog actually pretend to use the products, but most are just eye candy. Why? Does this drive sales? Are buy.com customers overwhelmingly (straight) males? Does anyone actually believe that getting a Palm Zire will in any way get a hot chick in a cowboy hat to write her phone number on it, as page 32 suggests? What do women think of all this?

It was at this point that I was going to launch into a mini-rant about the use of pretty people to dress up just about anything. Then I realized why I opened the damn thing in the first place. So I’ll just shut up now.

Is it just me, or does Buffy have a pretty heinous sunburn? What’s the story there? I thought she was slaying all these vampire dudes at night. (What hours does she sleep, anyway?)

Note: this banner ad has been modified from its original version. It has been formatted to fit this screen.

Painted on the back left window of an Econoline van: “On November 1, 1992 a stranger saved my life.” Back right: “Be an organ donor.”

On the radio: “this Christmas, give your child a gift that will last a lifetime.” That gift would be “legal parentage” — take in your sexual partner to legally establish that though you two are unwed, (s)he is responsible for the kid. Thank you, Indiana Dept. of Health.

Also on the radio: one voice asks another what’s wrong with his forehead. An eyebrow pierching gone wrong, says voice #2. That’s not even near your brow!You should have gone to (blah), says voice #1. I got my tongue ring done there. What? says #2. You’re not even old enough. My mom went with, says #1, and she was so impressed she got her belly button pierced.

Lovely.

I thought a doc’s “GOT BOTOX?” ad was going to take the cake until I saw the Aftermath Inc. offering. The two suited experts in clean-up for “homicide, suicide, and un-attended death” apparently expect they’ll drum up business from drivers on 294.

Inappropriate? And then some: Turn on your speakers and get a load of this.

Amazon‘s “Gold Box” feature has always seemed a bit bizarre to me. What is this random crap they’re shilling?

Pech got the ball rolling when he noted his contained a “factory-reconditioned shaver.” He had a fair question when he said, “Now I ask you, would you buy a used shaver?”

I thought reconditioned likely meant new blades, but he had a follow-up that would leave me speechless: “N Sync #1 Fan Barbie.” This mind-blowing product has a lever in the back that “when pressed as she holds the ‘N Sync poster in the air, makes her hands sway back and forth in true groupie fashion.” One reviewer appears to be in earnest when (s)he writes “My 7 year old daughter is just starting to like cd’s so this is a great cross over!” Probably should have been named Baby’s First Consumerist Drone.

I had no counter. Pech‘s box contained more kitschy, scary treasures than mine did. But I didn’t come away completely empty-handed in the competition. I stumbled upon this:

Knives at a 97% discount? What a bargain! Does Chef Tony know about this?

Haha, I’m so clever! OK. Sorry. Let’s also add these to our list:

• Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle
• Jeepers Creepers 2
• Mission Impossible 3
• Rush Hour 3 and 4 (!!)
• Scary Movie 3: Episode I – Lord of the Brooms (director notwithstanding)
• The Whole Ten Yards
• Spider-Man 2

Let’s also hope that the long-rumored True Lies 2 and the newly rumored Meet the Fockers never make it off the mat.

Update [22:03]: Fletch Won? What the hell is Kevin Smith up to?

Nothing but love for Britain‘s Prime Minister. (Seriously.) But wow, this picture (lifted from the Guardian, which has since replaced it with something more palatable) makes me think he’s coming to munch on little children. The oddly empty eyes, half-shadowed face, arched eyebrow, craggly teeth… it all reminds me of a movie I once purchased for a British friend who loved really bad movies. (Holy shit! A sequel!)

Now I promise no more weird side-by-sides for awhile.