When 1 + 1 = 3/5

Two years ago, when Bush made noise about banning gay marriage, the subject made me quite emotional. Today, the same actions are barely on my radar.

Fortunately, my friends have stepped into the breech, and I’ve been getting some good e-mail on the subject. I hope they don’t mind if I quote them here.

First is Pech, who makes the following observation:

Man + Woman = Marriage

So, on more than one occasion I’ve seen the equation shown in the pic [above]. And I have to say I just love it, it’s too perfect. It simultaneously points out the stupidity and ignorance of the religious right, but undermines their point as well.

In this society we hold to the idea that men and women are equal, applying rules of simple math, if man + woman = marriage, AND man = woman therefore man + man = marriage, and also woman + woman = marriage.

Joel then sent me this positively Swiftian forward:

Citizen –
Right now there is an issue that is ripping our country apart. It is an issue where one side derides the status quo as nothing more than institutionalized discrimination, while the other side considers it essential to their way of life. If action is not taken on this issue, it is clear that a court will eventually make a decision that will overturn the status quo. When such a decision is handed down it is possible that the rift caused by this issue will threaten the very fabric of our Union. For this reason, action – Constitutional action – is the only option.

In times like these, I turn to our most precious of documents and ask, “What would our Founding Fathers do?” I believe that the answer is clear. When faced with an issue this powerful, this disruptive, this important, they would craft a compromise. This is why, after carefully reading through the Constitution, I am proposing an Amendment that allows gays to 3/5ths marry.

The 3/5ths marriage would give gays 3/5ths of the rights of a straight couple. When a gay person dies, their partner will only be able to inherit 3/5ths of the estate (the extra 2/5ths can go to the government to make up some for some of the tax money lost due to the abolition of the estate tax). Gay couples will only be able to file taxes 60% jointly. If a gay person is in the hospital, their gay partner can be with them for 36 minutes of each hour. And so on.

Both sides will be able to accept this compromise. It will allow gays to marry, but it will clearly establish that the United States considers straight marriage to be superior. Since straight marriage will be 166% as beneficial as gay marriage, it may even cause some gay people to reconsider and opt for traditional straight marriage.

Please, forward this message to your friends and your local media and insist that they contact their Senators and Representatives and let them know that: “3/5ths unions will save our Union!”

Nicely done, guys.

4 Responses to “When 1 + 1 = 3/5

  1. mjg Says:

    I’ve never been a fan of the line ‘All men are created equal’ – I find it a bit uninspiring. Whenever I hear it I imagine a giant factory producing clones under the sterilizing eye of the law. The Declaration is a truly kick-ass inspirational statement, and the phrase is a catchy starting point for codifying rights. Yet this particular excerpt is wasting potential. Most people who quote it at protests and whatnot are scoring cheap points off national dogma. I’m left over-indoctrinated by it all as the Declaration is posted by the entrance to every school I attended, looking like an old piece of parchment meant to be revered. Like it belongs in a museum or library. All very stuffy and institutional imagery.

    I’d be much happier with some kind of universal slogan that people could really get behind. Something inspiring. Something like the poem emblazoned on the Statue of Liberty. Something that admits we are all different, and that we should celebrate these differences. Diversity is wonderful. I think that’s worth proclaiming.

    Now for another transition: I’ve definitely seen it mathematically proven that Girls = Evil. So if Man = Woman I guess we’re all going to hell.

  2. Joel Says:

    It should be noted that Mr. Demmer (also probably not going to a 10 year High School Reunion this summer) actually drafted that 3/5ths compromise. I only helped correct some historical inaccuracies.

    Also, with regards to the Redoubtable Mister Pech’s picture, I think that’s a load of crap. In particular, that Bible quote is totally taken out of context. Check BibleGateway.com. If they had started with Matthew, verse *3* and gone through 6, obviously the story is about the Pharisees trying to paint Jesus into a corner. They ask him if some bitch has been showing her ass all over town, can her man kick her to the curb. And Jesus replies: “Dumbasses, read your own stupid fucking book. It says that once you’re married, you’re stuck with each other 4-EVA.”

    Then (continuing) the Pharisees say, “We did read the book, dumbass, and Moses said divorce was okay. So suck on deez nuts!”

    Saith Jesus, “Moses was a bitch. He couldn’t put up with your fucking whining. Trust Me, divorce is a totally bad thing…unless the bitch has been putting out for all the guys. Then divorce is okay. I mean, come on.”

    Presumably the Pharisees were cowed by this imPechable logic and took off. Then His disciples say, “Shit, Jesus, why should people even get married then?”

    And Jesus says, “Yeah, it’s not for everyone.”

    Then He starts talking about heavenly eunuchs–could that be a code for homosexual behavior?–and starts touching the neighborhood children.

    The word of the Lord. Thanks be to God.

    I forgot what point the Bible was trying to make, but I don’t think it was necessarily forbidding gay marriage. Definitely gay divorce. And straight divorce. And taking gospel verses out of context.

  3. moogsy queefbone Says:

    Since straight marriage will be 166% as beneficial as gay marriage, it may even cause some gay people to reconsider and opt for traditional straight marriage.

    i love that line. marry me, john? i mean after all, when i die, you’ll be able to inherit 100% of my debt!

    the 3/5 thing looks like something that was written so long ago that we are now looking at in history class having a good old chuckle about how stupid they all were. it’s hard to believe that it was even suggested this century.

    another thing that has been interesting me is how people like to take the good bits out of anything they want to follow and reject all the bad bits. take any number of fad diets. when these diets are followed closely, they do work (may not be healthy, but they work) but people go… i’m not eating carbs anymore but i eat 5 steaks and some cheese and 20 eggs…. WHY AREN’T I LOSING WEIGHT?!?!?!

    and if anyone has seen the christian family on the amazing race… they think they’re being ostracised for living a good christian life, when actually all the other teams hate them cause they’re anything but. they’re mean to all the other teams, they’re preachy, and they think that praying every 5 seconds is taking them straight to heaven.
    sure it is.

    lastly, the canberran government put forward a move towards gay marriage in the ACT. Of course, the federal government rejected it, but at least i know there are some people in my local parliament who aren’t complete neanderthals.

    what can we do?

  4. Bah Says:

    Pffft… stupid gay rhetoric… how lame.

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