In the spirit of the public autopsy recently performed in Great Britain, let’s dissect a blog entry. Our specimen:

So I’m driving home from the Springs tonight, smoking some Private Reserve black cavendish (that I had procured from the Stag Tobacco shop in the Springs earlier today) in my Danish-made “freehand” style pipe (approximately 2/3-bent), listening to John Coltrane, at 80 miles per hour up I-25 just outside of Denver. It occurred to me that this was who I was. All I needed was a glass of 17 year-old Scotch or a 16-ounce bottle of my pale ale and you’d have me to a tee. Just thought I’d share that with you. — a_blog

Before we delve deeper, what does the text tell us after a cursory read? It’s clear our subject is attempting to impress his audience, or at the very least engaging in some significant ego stroking. The subject is defining himself as:

• a pipe-smoker (of supposedly premium tobacco)
• a speeder
• a jazz enthusiast
• a drinker (of supposedly premium alcohol)

Note the subject attempts to equate his own homemade brew with a premium liquor, further reinforcing his delusions of grandeur.

Though the text supports a reading of the subject as wanting alcohol while driving, we’ll put that down to generally poor use of language. We have additional evidence of this: from a casual, conversational “So” beginning, it takes just a few words to hit a horribly convoluted and pretentious segment (“that I had procured.”) There’s strange use of tense (“It occurred…that this was who I was”) and inconsistent detail (“the Springs” (Colorado Springs) and “home” (Fort Collins) are presented without explanation, yet it’s somehow necessary to name the highway and general position.) Other details, such as the make, model, and condition of Mr. Refinement’s vehicle, are conveniently omitted.

Still deeper: what’s going on at a psychological level? Scientific research has shown that addicts refuse to give up their drugs of choice because they define themselves by them. (“Smoking is part of who I am.”) Intensely materialistic individuals feel the same way. Could both be at work here?

Knowing all this, let’s edit the passage to better reflect the writer’s goals:

I drive fast, so I’m cool. I smoke fancy plants in a fancy pipe, so I’m cool. I made beer plus I talk about stuff that’s old, so I’m cool. I listen to hip music, so I’m cool. Just thought I’d share that with you… because I can’t yet blow myself. That would be cool.

This entry was posted on Monday, November 25th, 2002 at 1:13 am and is filed under Miscellany.. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.