Bondage

Summarize James Bond in five words.

Got ’em? Was one of them “British”? For me, it would have to be, yet in the search for a new Bond post-Brosnan (who, alright, is technically Irish) that seems to have been forgotten. A recent poll of Netflix members came back with an Australian on top (and bottom):

    -- Hugh Jackman             26%
    -- Clive Owen               21%
    -- Ewan McGregor            16%
    -- Jude Law                 14%
    -- Orlando Bloom             6%
    -- Heath Ledger              3%

Obviously, I’m a huge fan of Australia(ns), but as Bond? The accent is simply not the same thing — though some may note that a survey done for purposes of Netflix marketing really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme. Right they are, but according to “Daily Variety” (as quoted in IMDb), the folks who do make the call, Sony and Eon Productions “are completing screen tests for the movie this week…the frontrunners are [Daniel] Craig, Henry Cavill, Sam Worthington and Goran Visnjic.”

Goran Visnjic is Croatian and 33. Sam Worthington was hot in Gettin’ Square, but he’s Australian and only 29. And Henry Cavill may be a Brit, but he’s freakin’ 22! A 22-year-old James Bond!

To me, it’s simple. We can’t have Australians, Americans, Croatians or anything else but Britons. The accent is a key part of the character, and you can’t fake it — the movies are fake enough as it is. You can’t have somebody under 30 unless you’re trying to do Bond Begins. And while we’re making up arbitrary rules, Bond has always been a brunette.

Add it all up and you’ve gotta choose Clive Owen (of BMW’s The Hire, Croupier, I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead… are you spotting the pattern yet?). He’s sexy, suave, sleek, sophisticated and other good things that don’t even start with S.

If you can’t get Clive, Daniel Craig would make a fine substitute as well. That thing I said about brunette? Eh, we can bend the rules, especially for a guy who was so awesome in Layer Cake and looked damn fine doing it…

7 Responses to “Bondage”

  1. JC Says:

    The fact is that James Bond is not supposed to be British but more specifically English. This however has been ignored in the majority of castings of Bond. Sean Connery is Scottish (supposedly as he now spends most of his time in California only appearing back in the UK to say how great it would be if Scotland was independant and how he is fed up with being governed over by the English before boarding his private jet and flying back to California to be ruled over by the Austrians) George Lazenby is Austrailian (though this is hardly an advocation for an Aussie Bond) and as already mentioned Pierce Brosnan is Irish meaning only Roger Moore and Timothey Dalton were of the correct genetic stock to play Bond. Meaning that the majority of those who played Bond on film (as if you add in the original radio broadcast it evens out at 50:50) were not English. It therefore seems that its perfectly OK to bend the rules in this setting. On a side note I always thought Hugh Jackman was from New Zealand anyway though I could well be wrong about that.

  2. awarren Says:

    Nothing beats the humor in the “Daniel Radcliffe as Bond” rumors.

  3. jsp Says:

    JC: Hugh Jackman was born and raised in Sydney, you might be thinking of Russell Crowe, who was born in NZ but moved to Oz as a child.

    I see your point about English vs. British, and I’m sure Fleming wrote him as English but at least the others (save Lazenby) could actually be employed by MI6.

    On a marginally related note, if one wanted to do an authentic car, what’s left? The Americans own Aston Martin, Jaguar, and Land Rover. BMW owned Rover, sold it back for 10 quid, it went into administration, and I believe the Chinese bought it. (Bond would never drive a Rover, of course.)

    Adam: Radcliffe? Seriously? Didn’t we already have the “young secret agent” movie? That said, I’m warming to the idea of a Bond Begins. Hey! Maybe we could have Christian Bale!

    Except — he’s Welsh. Sorry, JC.

  4. Joel Says:

    Don’t get me wrong, I’ve appreciated Clive Owen ever since he played Ser Lev Arris in Privateer 2. And I love how cold and professional James Bond is in the Ian Fleming novels. But even with that said, I think Owen is just not…warm, lusty, passionate enough to play Bond. He’d make a great Bond villian, especially if the screenwriters shat out another “Double-Oh Agent turns rogue” script, but I’d rather see Vinnie Bloody Jones play Bond!

    As for “Bond Begins”, it can’t be any worse than the “James Bond, Jr.” cartoon they ran a little after we were too old for cartoons.

  5. JC Says:

    I can’t remember the last time MI6 did a recruitment tour of Ireland but other than that I guess they all could have worked for them. To be honest I don’t care who plays Bond as long as they do get the age right (problem being that Hollywood now has their leading players all in their 20s compared to the average ages of actors back in the bond hayday) and that the studios don’t bow to the pressure from politically correct groups and make Bond a woman or black (I did hear one very ugly rumour of getting Will Smith to play Bond).

  6. Joel Says:

    JC says:

    (I did hear one very ugly rumour of getting Will Smith to play Bond).

    “The name is Boaaaw, hell no!”

    Will Smith, sure he’s out. On the other hand, Britain seems a lot more diverse now than in the Merrie Olde Days. I think an immigrant-heritage Bond, or a Bond from somewhere in the old Empire, might be a kinda cool change. Northern Ireland Bond, Indian Bond, Rhodesian Bond, Jamaican Bond, Virginian Bond, Top-of-Mount-Everest Bond (the product of a many-splendored night between Sir Edmund Hillary and a beautiful but naive Sherpa woman)…

    It would be nice if Timothy Dalton could replace Martin Lawrence for Bad Boys 3, though.

  7. Favorite Sister Says:

    Clive Owen is YUMMY!

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